I would like to introduce the first volume in my new movie comic strip. I am just trying it out to see how it goes but if all goes well there will be more volumes to come. Here is the first one:

     Part 2 of my new weekly project. A favorite quote from my favorite reviewer’s podcast: Mark Kermode of the BBC. This week, we have two regarding the film Hostel II…

“There are several things that are wrong with Hostel. The first is that it exists at all.”

 Mark Kermode of the BBC on Hostel II [3:42m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

“Eli Roth [needs to be] sent away and told to make a low budget costume drama about people discovering love in the arctic.”

     Here is a cool little ad for European Film:

     Besides my 100 Films project, I’ve also decided to put up a my favorite quote each week from my favorite critic, Mark Kermode of the BBC. I may have to put more than one per week, but these are just gems that I look so forward to each week. So, for this first installment…

regarding the film, Captivity:

“Everyone involved [in the making of this film] should be hit with a rubber hose.”

     You may have seen part one (which was much funnier). But Pearl is back and she’s kickin ass and taking names…

     For some reason this actually reminds me of me and my friends at the bar back in the 90s.

     There is no doubt that I look so forward each week to my download of the podcast from the BBC in which Dr. Mark Kermode analyzes the latest in cinemas. I don’t always agree with him (in this case I do - except that I liked Pirates 1), but it’s fair to say he is THE most entertaining film critic (that I know of) writing and speaking today.

     Case in point, his rant on Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. Here is definitely one of the best reviews of the film you’re ever likely to hear. It doesn’t really matter if you agree or not; it’s just a stitch. Kermode goes on these rants all the time which is why his podcast is so enjoyable. If he likes a film, it’s not always quite as entertaining as this. In fact, other than maybe his review of Babel, this is probably his best rant that I’ve heard ever. I’m not sure if he takes a breath in ten minutes. Check it out below - just press play and sit back and enjoy the screaming.

**MILD spoilers within** - but really c’mon, how many spoilers can there be in a film with no plot?

 Mark Kermode on Pirates 3 [10:17m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

excerpts:

“…when [Keira Knightly] and Orloondo Bland are on screen together, it’s like watching two chairs mating…”

“If you pay money to see Pirates…it’s your own fault and you’re helping bring down the collapse of western civilization.”

“Kubrick (in 2001) went from the beginning of civilization to the dawn of a new breed of human being in just over 2 hours. It’s taken [Verbinski] 8 hours to get from point A to point A.“

     I‘m having to much fun browsing YouTube right now.

     I don’t have too much to say about this other than its worth a watch.

     I‘ve copied this from: http://www.timewarptv.com. I’d suggest heading over to it so you can check out some of the other Star Wars stuff they’ve got.

     The Donny & Marie Star Wars skit begins with footage of two Imperial star destroyers and the Millenium Falcon (actual film footage), spliced with cheap matte painting of planets (very non-Star Wars like). The scene fades and an opening crawl (as in the movies) begins;

Tony The Tiger sound-alike - “A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY, THERE WAS AN EVIL FORCE AT WORK TO DESTROY THE VALUES BY WHICH DECENT PEOPLE LIVED. VALUES LIKE PATRIOTISM, CLEANLINESS, THRIFT AND GOOD DENTAL HYGIENE. DID THE EVIL FORCE WIN THE BATTLE? THAT’S FOR US TO KNOW AND YOU TO FIND OUT.”

Luke and Leia, apparently running from something, enter stage-left.

Luke(singing) “Princess Leia our goose is cooked unless we lift off of this star.”

Leia (singing) “Luke I know you’re right, but we’ve got to hang five before they find out where we are.”

Both “Darth will keep searching up and down, until they find our hiding place. Before very long, they’ll know we’re gone. We’ve got to get lost in space. Riders to the stars, we are flying, we are falling and I can see the clouds rolling by, Riders to the stars we are sailing we are soaring. The only thing we can do is try to get the first available flight out of sight… We are Riders to the stars!”

Luke “Oh, look!”

R2-D2 and C-3PO enter from where Luke and Leia had just come running. R2-D2 is beeping wildly and C-3PO does his best to run to Luke and Leia.

Leia(Gasping) “Oh! Oh, You made it!”

Threepio(glaring down at Artoo, who is still beeping insanely) “Certainly not, that would never work!”

Leia(looking at Luke) “Oh, I wish Okey Ben Pinocchi was here!”

Luke “Yeah, he’d tell us what to do.”

Above the quartet of heroes, appears the head of the ghost of Okey Ben Pinocchi. He stares down upon them.

Pinocchi “I’ll tell you what to do! Why don’t you look over there? It’s your chance for escape.”

Leia(turning and pointing) “Oh, look over there! It’s our chance for escape!”

Pinocchi(somewhat annoyed) “I knew I heard it somewhere.”

Luke(walks in the direction in which Leia pointed) “Hey taxi!”

Standing to the far right of the stage is a man who attempts to bear some resemblance to Han Solo, however, he is standing in the doorway of a cardboard rocket ship, complete with fins, a ramp, a helmet that looks like something the original Mercury astronauts wore, and cheap sunglasses.

Artoo(low muttering beeps.)

Threepio(to Luke) “Pardon me sir, but that’s not a taxi. It’s a spaceship. But that’s exactly what we need.”

Luke, Leia, and Threepio approach the spaceship. Han remains motionless, leaning on the doorway of his craft.

Threepio(tapping Han on the arm) “Excuse me, sir.”

Slow to react, he removes his sunglasses as if he just awoke from a nap(or a drunken stupor), and looks down at Threepio.

Han “What can I do for you?”

Threepio(looking over to Luke and Leia) “Perhaps you two can explain?”

Luke and Leia look at each other and nod. Both begin to sing.

Both “Show us the way to get out of this world, for that’s where everything is. If everything is going, I don’t want to stay here. Who want’s to stick around and watch the world disappear?”

Leia(dancing towards Artoo) “His transistors are in trouble and his chips are weak.”

Luke(catching up with Leia) “And if we stay our chances for survival are bleak.”

Both “So show us the way to get out of this world, for that’s where everything is!”

Leia(running back to Han) “Can you help us escape?”

Han “If I can’t, I know someone who can!”

Han attempts a really sad attempt at a whistle, and from behind him, in the darkened spaceship emerges Chewbacca, the Wookie. Leia and Threepio retreat in surprise and fear, hiding behind our fearless R2-D2 unit. Han laughs maniacally as he delights in seeing everyone’s fear.

Han (singing) “Hey, hey, hey, hey!”… what follows is some of the worst, most indiscernible music and lyrics I’ve ever heard. Even after multiple viewing, I still couldn’t make out but a few words. I’ll spare you the gory details. Han, Chewbacca, Threepio, Luke and Leia all climb aboard the cardboard ship.

Everyone(waving) “BYE!”

The door slams shut. The spirit of Okey Ben Pinocchi appears again, over the now empty courtyard.

Pinocchi “You know, things are changing out here in space. I come from a distant planet called Sanford. My planet has it’s own moon, it’s own stars and it’s own galaxy… but this year, Sanford has no SON!”

The scene changes to view of our heroes escaping in their… uh… Saturn 5 rocket. Yeah, they actually used footage of a Saturn 5 rocket. The camera pulls back revealing that the rocket is actually on a view-screen of an Imperial Officer(Paul Lynde). Behind him march Stormtrooper babes(Ice Angel dancers in white nylons and motorcycle helmets… no kidding).

Officer(singing) “Hear my voice, where you are. Hop a plane. Grab a car. On a cloud. On a star. Come back to me! Have you gone to the moon? On a lushly lagoon? On a cosmic monsoon? What’s your course?!? Where the Force, can you be! Come back to me! Come back to me! Come back to me!”

The music ends, and the Imperial Officer is surrounded by twelve stormtrooper babes all laughing and pointing him.

Officer “I didn’t expect a standing ovation, but what’s so funny?”

Darth Vader enters from the left, at a quickened pace.

Vader(pointing at the Imperial officer) “You, you intergalactic fool! You’ll never get them back that way!”

Officer “I suppose you have a better plan?”

Vader “No plan at all, just a little Force.”

The scene cuts to the Imperial Officer and Vader watching the viewscreen. On the screen is footage of a Saturn 5 rocket taking off, run backwards!

Officer “Ah ha! You see, they’ve come back!”

Vader “They had no choice”

The scene cuts to the courtyard. Smoke billows from under the cardboard cutout rocket. The door drops and out walks out heros.

Han (proudly) “How about it? Was that a perfect landing?”

Threepio “That’s not what we need”

Leia “But you landed on the same planet.”

Han “But the landing part was perfect.”

Luke “I knew we should have taken a cab!”

To the left of the courtyard, two doors burst open and quartet of real Stormtroopers enter. They begin to sing and dance and are joined by the Stormtrooper babes, as they all surround our heros in an orgy of bad song and dance.

Stormtroopers(singing) “We’re Darth Vader’s raiders and we can’t believe the things that you do. We never met a troupe that play hide and seek the way that you do. But Fe Fi Foe Fum, look out people cause here we come. We know just what to do with you, so get ready, get ready! Cause you’re though when we’re through with you, so get ready, get ready. Here we come!

Stormtrooper Babes(chorus) “Get ready, cause here we come! Get ready, cause here we come! Get ready, get ready! Get ready, cause here we come! Get ready, cause here we come! Gotcha!”

Our heros are now completely surrounded by Stormtroopers. From the left, Darth Vader and the Imperial Officer stroll in.

Officer “You thought you’d get away? Don’t you know you’ll never escape from The Farce?”

Vader “That’s The Force!”

Officer(to Vader) “Oh, don’t bother me with grammer at a time like this!”

While the Imperial Officer is still scolding Vader, Chewbacca grabs him by the shoulders and neck.

Officer “Get your big ape hands off me!”

Vader raises his hand, as if he plans to choke someone, then retreats.

Vader “You’ll never capture me! And I vow by the power of my Force, I shall return”

The scene fades back to Okey Ben Pinocchi.

Pinocchi “The Force can’t touch me. I come from a planet 10 million light years away. Uh, shorter if the lights are with you.”

The scene fades back to the courtyard. The Imperial Officer is still held captive my Chewbacca.

Officer(yelling to a departed Vader) “Well, where does that leave me Mr. Ungrateful!”

Chewbacca pulls the Imperial Officer into the cardboard ship.

Everyone(singing, including the reformed stormtroopers) “You’re leaving on a jet plane, Don’t know when you’ll be back again!”

The ship door slams shut and everyone cheers again, including the Stormtroopers and Stormtrooper Babes.

Leia “Thank you all, your princess is safe at last. Your work is finished.”

Artoo (sighs with relief)

Threepio “Yes Artoo…”

Everyone(singing & dancing) “Up we go, into the wild blue yonder, striding high into the sky… Riders to the stars, we are flying, we are falling and I can see the clouds rolling away. Riders to the stars we are sailing we are soaring into a brand new brighter day. We are riders to the stars!”

Pinocchi “Can you imagine trying to find your luggage when this trip ends?”

The screen fades to a star field. The helmet of Darth Vader appears and disolves into a shot of the Millenium Falcon zooming away.

Vader “I vow by the power of my Force, I shall return.”

THE END

Happy Birthday Star Wars!

     Speaking of Star Wars, I know this is kind of OFN, but it’s been updated and still makes me laugh.

**EXPLICIT**

C-3PO:
“Oh… my… goodness gracious me.
I’m a gay man’s golden fantasy.
Programmed for Homo-ecstacy…
10 million forms of gay positioning.
For my golden shower you must pay a fee…
but R2-D2 gives it up for free.”

Yes, I’m an immature child.

     In keeping with our Star Wars theme over the weekend (the 30th Anniversary of the greatest film of all time is on Friday - check back then for our thoughts and remembrances as part of the great Star Wars Blog-a-thon), here are some images of the toys Kenner rejected from the Lucasfilm merchandising department from MCmoran.org via Filmrot. I can’t figure out why they were rejected; I’d love to play with the force for a little while in my backyard…

click unwrap to see more toys…

UNWRAP TEXT or SHOW **SPOILER**

I guess this is movie news since I believe Paris Hilton has been in at least one thing that could kinda be considered a movie. Motley Crue has decided to throw their might in getting Paris Hilton to serve her whole sentence for Drinking and Driving. I normally don’t care about this type of stuff but it just amuses the hell out of me so here is what the Crue have to say about Hilton.

Why is the NY Times wasting space talking about Paris Hilton’s petition to keep her out of jail for drunk driving…twice! Join Nikki Sixx, The Exies and other artists in supporting real talent, not bitches like Paris.
Go to The Exies MySpace page, sign the petition to throw Paris in jail and tell the NY Times to support real artists, real musicians, real actors, not shitty porn stars.

     Andrew posted about James Doohan’s ashes being sent into space a while ago. E! Online (via Yahoo News) has the story about how his ashes went up as planned and then came back down also as planned. Unfortunately they didn’t land where they were supposed to. I know it is pretty morbid but I’m still laughing inside over several of the statements that have been made:

“It’s not like Mr. Doohan’s lost,” company rep Susan Schonfeld told E! Online. “The rocket did hit its landing target, but it’s in a very mountainous and rugged terrain. [The recovery team] can’t get to it by foot or by vehicle. They have to take a helicopter up there.”

“They know the general location, and we have twentysomething days to recover the rocket,” she said.

     The best part of this all is that they are going to do it again.

     And plans are underway to blast more ashes of Doohan and Cooper back into space in October, this time aboard an orbital craft.

All I really have to say is that human beings just look for dumb things to do.

     James Doohan, better known as Scotty on the popular TV and film versions of “Star Trek,” had his remains shot into space by a rocket on Saturday morning. But not really. According to the AP, a few grams of his ashes, along with those of about 200 more people were launched on a 20 foot rocket and blasted off into the atmosphere. But, since it was a “suborbital” flight, the rocket soon parachuted back to Earth safely a short time later.

     So what’s the point of this? If you’re going to have your ashes shot off into space, shouldn’t they travel the solar system and beyond? So these people paid nearly $500 to see the ashes fly into the air and come back. Whoop-de-do. I would expect better for someone who almost single handedly kept the engines on the USS Enterprise running for almost 40 years through galaxy to galaxy. Just seems odd to me. Here’s the full story over at Yahoo! news.

     Maybe this is old news, but Kurt just sent me some fun with movie posters. Just change one letter of a film title and you have an entirely different film. This is a contest that you can enter. Here’s the main page to enter yourself if you’re good with photoshop and being witty. You can see all the entries there, but here are a few of my favorites:

See the rest of the entries right HERE, at Worth1000.com

UPDATE: - OK, gotta mention two more:

I’m done now. I swear. Go check em yourself.